The Waters of “what should have been”

Rhett “should have” started his Senior year today…

I have not been out to the grave that holds Rhett’s body in over two years…
not since August of 2016.
It’s just too much to take in. I normally cannot handle the pain.

But after dropping Mara off at the high school this morning, I found myself sitting out here by your grave…wishing, weeping, and wanting things to be different.
You should be starting your Senior year today.

We didn’t get to go school clothes shopping.
You didn’t pick out a new backpack or fancy new athletic shoes.
You aren’t sore and worn out from football practice.
We didn’t get to go “meet” your teachers.
We aren’t talking about the ACT/SAT scores or what colleges you want to apply to.
I’m not buying “football mom” shirts, and they didn’t call your name at “Meet the Bulldogs”.
Your sister will cheer on Friday nights, but not for you. This was NOT how she dreamed it would be.
Ryan won’t be rushing home from ATM after his last class of the week to watch his little brother play under the Friday Night Lights.
There will be no “cap and gown” pictures, or graduation invitations, or new patches for a letter jacket.
No victories to celebrate. No losses to lament. Nothing.
All of that was stolen on December 28, 2015. Gone. Taken. Vanished, with no warning.

You did not get to drive to school and walk into the building as a senior this morning.
Nor will you tomorrow, or the next day. Or ever.

Jimmy and I will attend as many school events as our hearts can handle this year, and we will process our grief together when we get home. There are simply no words to describe how much losing you has changed our lives.

Your death is my never-ending heartache.
I have many questions about that cold December day, but I am SURE that Jesus rescued you. You were, are, and forever will be His!

This year will be hard for me, Rhett Jett.
I long for you to be present…
to be here with your friends, on the teams, in our home, at the bar eating dinner, hunting, laughing, sleeping in your bed, hugging me, breathing and living.
Breathing and living.
Living and breathing.
Here.
With us.

This was supposed to be your year!
I pray for the strength to honor God, you, and your memory as we wade through the waters of “what should have been”. Those waters are turbulent, deep, and unpredictable.
It’s so easy to drown and so hard to stay above water.
Jesus, we need you. Please, be our anchor, our ever-present help in times of trouble.

Rhett, keep visiting me in my dreams. Just a glimpse of you can sustain me. You know.❤️
I love you! I miss you! I always will!

Rhett Curtis Hering
Senior year 2018-2019

Meet me in the confessional

1. After much soul searching and prayer, I have decided to get off Facebook for “what should have been” Rhett’s senior year. I have nothing against Facebook or posts about seniors. They are sweet and appropriate, but they often tend to magnify my loss, and I feel like I need to really focus on healing while I maneuver the roaring rapids of this year.

2. I will try to blog more. Maybe this is my season for writing, not scrolling.

3. As always, feel free to share any of my blogs on your social media outlets. I didn’t leave Facebook in protest mode…I left in “protect mode” for my heart!

26 thoughts on “The Waters of “what should have been”

  1. With tears in my eyes, I am praying for you, Jimmy, Mara, and Ryan. I promise to pray you through this year. I am so sorry you don’t get to be a senior mom to Rhett. I love you!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Lorna~ Could I put your post on my FB page- the Diewell Project? It’s a page to educate people regarding end of life and how to love others well in grief. You write so powerfully and I want people to know the depth of loss that continues so they can support people better. Thank you for sharing…kay

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Of course you can. ❤️
      Support is so vital. Especially long term support. This type of heartache never completely heals, and bereaved parents need people to be present when the scab is ripped off anew.

      Like

  3. Reading your heartbreak makes my own seem fresh and raw. We did get to live through all of senior year—except for 7 weeks. But what do you do with cap & gown photos of a guy who never graduated? Who is forever a senior in high school? Who never received that Valedictorian cup? Who never walked that stage? Or started college at ATM? I wish I had words to help you in some way, but I still can’t process this after 27 years. There is so much heartbreakingly unfinished. Forever unfinished. Just.unfinished. And I’m a finisher. I spent 20 years on a quilt for my daughter because I’m a finisher. I’m patient. I have endurance. I am long-suffering. But I can’t finish this. None of us can finish this unfinished.

    I love you, Lorna; I relate to your bleeding heart; and I’ll always be walking beside you in my heart.💔 🚀

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Lorna, you are so brave….. praying God’s goodness be all around you…. whatever you need, He will be there….. I have no words that in any way can “help” you, my friend…. but your words ALWAYS help me…. you’re a gift and a treasure. Thank you for sharing your pain, your journey, and your heart, so that the rest of us may do the only thing with any power to truly help you—PRAY you through it!!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh how I wish I could change the events of that cold gray day. I promise to pray as you navigate these waters. I don’t know what to do really. Sweetarts, notes, candy corn, flowers with happy faces etc still don’t fix it. But I would get all of that for you and more if it would. ( I may get those things anyway at random moments because that seems to be how I roll.) None of this makes sense! I will never ever understand the why.
    I miss him💔
    Love you ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That day💔
      The outcome for us💔
      But…I have to believe with all my heart that the outcome for Rhett was nothing short of spectacular ❤️✝️
      Thanks for your love and support. I know I can count on you!
      Love you too

      Like

  6. Lorna,
    I love reading your post, your blogs. I wish December 28, 2015, would have ended differently for you, and your family! I cannot fathom your pain, your loss, or your grief. Continued prayers for you and your family!

    Love,
    Stephanie

    Liked by 1 person

  7. You have a beautiful soul, Lorna. My heart aches for you, but that will never be enough. You help me with my faith, something I struggle with daily. With Rhett behind you, your testimony is an inspiration to me and to so many others. Keep loving your son – and keep writing! You (and Rhett) have taught me so much in two short visits and through your words. Take care. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sweet Amy, I’m so blessed to have met you. I hope we can stay in touch after you move! I wanted you to stay here so we could keep visiting! ❤️❤️
      Keep the faith. It is the most important thing you have!

      Like

  8. I’ve been praying for you all throughout my days. I wish I could do more. I appreciate your constant reminder of Rhett’s rescue from Jesus. That is the vision I hold when I pray for your heart, Jesus rescuing your heart with healing it until you hold Rhett again.
    Sending you love, hugs, and many prayers.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Loss of a child…it changes everything. We see the world through different eyes now.
    May our God above walk with you through every step of this journey and bring you comfort that only He can provide.♥️

    Like

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